


Why You Should Practise Safer Superheroing

by contraryGreymalkin



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Neither of them is sure yet which quadrant they are in, Superheroes, non-sburb AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-26
Updated: 2013-02-26
Packaged: 2017-12-03 17:13:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/700696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/contraryGreymalkin/pseuds/contraryGreymalkin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trollsville is plagued by all sorts of unsavoury folk.  It's a good thing that the Jade Sylph is there to take care of them... and a pity that her arch-nemesis finds her a little too distractible.  Non-Sgrub superhero AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why You Should Practise Safer Superheroing

**Author's Note:**

> There will probably be more of this verse at some point, but this first one is for Femslash February.

_Welcome to the city of Trollsville. A fair city by day, where decent, law-abiding citizens go about their decent, law-abiding business under the decent, law-abiding sun which is quite nice and rather energising by the way - but by night, Trollsville becomes A Wretched Hive Of Scum And Villai-_

"Oh dear. I seem to have caught my heroic nemesis mid-monologue. Shall I just stand over here while you finish, Sylph?"

"Uh. Of course I... saw you there, Doctor Lalonde, I was merely, ah..." Kanaya Maryam's cute enough at the worst of times, but when she's flustered, like she is now as she steps awkwardly away from the confused civilian you've been watching her expound to for about five minutes now and fumbles for her chainsaw, blushing as green as her beloved plants, she is completely, unutterably (even in the tongue of the horrorterrors, which contains half a million tenses, seventy-two sets of pronouns and fifty words to describe various forms of tangling) _adorable_.

"Offering me the first shot? Attempting to disarm me with your jadeblood eloquence, or the beauty of your vampiric siren song? Please." You tilt your head in a practised semblance of honest curiosity. "Enlighten me."

She's holding back a snarl, most likely trying not to frighten the poor civilian with the sight of her fangs - and, ah, that suggests a few things about the boy that perhaps you should have already realised from his attire, he must be from the lakes, for a start, and not used to living with trolls - but you know her expressions so well by now that you could read her embarrassment from a single twitch of an elegant ravenblack eyebrow, the minutest motion of a glowing finger. "I was merely making certain to keep him from repeating his current mistake. Though now that you are here, I suppose it would be more prudent to terminate the lesson."

"His mistake of taking the evening air, before the city is even fully shrouded in darkness? A little extreme in your caution, don't you think?"

"You are about." Her words are flat, accusing. "So yes, you have completely succeeded in allaying my fears and it is quite obvious to me now that there is nothing to worry about."

"Could use a little work, but you're approaching an adequate grasp of sarcasm."

She colours further at that, her untrollishly white skin turning a most attractive shade of green. You're happy to see it - you weren't sure for some time whether vampires could blush, and you were happy to discover, the first time you stole a kiss from the naive troll girl, that the vampiric lack of normal bodily functions was a myth. "You have still to provide a satisfactory explanation of why you're on the roof of Ampora Industries wearing that uncharacteristically restricting and rather fetching skirt."

"Perhaps _I_ was taking the evening air. I do, as you are fully aware, Rose, require -"

"An adequate intake of sunlight to fuel your undead superpowers, yes I _know_ ," you say in a singsong tone, noting absently that the civilian has fled. You think you'll be kind and allow Kanaya to assume it was from you. "You don't, however, seem to remember that you promised me you'd stop taking your cues from Stan Lee. I'd like some _new_ conversation."

"I'm not certain of your meaning, Rose, you know that I am -"

"Still working on your understanding of my human sarcasm, yes, that's another thing you keep saying, and it may shock you to learn that you _really don't have to_." She still looks confused, and a thought strikes you. "How far have you reached in Jade's comic collection?"

"Er. I believe she calls it The Age Marked By A Precious Grey Metal -"

"Silver Age," you cut her off without qualms, you're a _villain_ after all. "Oh dear. That explains rather a lot. Would you prefer to come back to my lair and let me help you skip to the Dark Age instead?" You curse yourself for letting the words out of your mouth - they sound uncomfortably close to _come up and look at my etchings_ , but they're curling awkwardly in the air between you now. Fortunately, it seems that either Kanaya's completely failed to catch the entendre or her favoured subgenre of troll porn just doesn't feature such transparently awful pick-up lines, because she doesn't bat a perfect green eyelid.

"Is this a trap?"

"Would you like it to be?" You know the effect of this particular devilish smirk, it clips Feferi's and Dave's wings every time, and as for Jade, well - there's a _reason_ the Sylph has a dark counterpart to keep her distracted when you're busy elsewhere, and Kanaya herself is hardly immune - and certainly not swift enough to throw off her confusion before you close the gap and press your lips against hers.

Her startled freeze-reaction to _that_ lasts long enough for her to slump into your arms a few seconds later, overcome by your experimental drugged lipstick, and you smile triumphantly as you plant another kiss on the tip of her hooked horn and gather her up in your arms. When she wakes up later in your lair, bound and gagged and temporarily dispowered, you're going to have so _much_ to teach her.

You really can't wait.


End file.
